


All I Want.

by elysianecho



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: After care, Anal Sex, Angry Kylo Ren, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Betrayal, Cum Eating, Dirty Talk, Dom!Kylo Ren, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Finger Fucking, Fluff, Force Choke, Handcuffs, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Internal Conflict, Kidnapped, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Throws A Tantrum, Kylo Ren has feelings too, Kylo Ren with a touch of Adam Sackler, Love, Masturbation, Necessary Fluff, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Original Character(s), POV Kylo Ren, POV Original Female Character, Possesive Kylo Ren, Protective Kylo Ren, Romance, Rough Sex, Smut, Soft Ben Solo, Soft Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Teasing, Torture, Unprotected Sex, biting kink, face fucking, force ghost, lack of after care, maybe blood play?, tagging as I write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:42:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23465602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysianecho/pseuds/elysianecho
Summary: General Leia Organa from the Resistance and a Tuanul-villager-turned-Resistance-spy with a secret, Inara, have a plan to take down the First Order and their Supreme Leader. However, complications arise as they always do. Will Inara be able to complete her mission for the Resistance? Or will she be one of the many to fall into the hands of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, who has a secret of his own?Major The Rise of Skywalker spoilers.Set two years after The Rise of Skywalker w/ changes (i.e. character deaths)Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of mine. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 16





	1. Prologue

"How did we get here? Why, of all

the people on the planet, did you

& I seek comfort in one another?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But I 

like to think that the universe

brought us together for a reason.

That we're supposed to help each

other grow into the people we were

always mean to become."

-Amanda Torrom

* * *

It’s been three years since the First Order arrived in Tuanul and executed most of its villagers. After Kylo Ren killed Lor San Tekka and captured Poe Dameron, what was left of the people in Tuanul came together to rebuild. It didn’t matter if nearly all of our population had been wiped out, that the surviving villagers had been severely injured or that nearly every structure or piece of just that _may_ have been viable had been burned to the ground by the flame troopers. What was left of the village – no matter how small – slowly began to rebuild the home, terrified that one day, Kylo Ren and his many divisions of stormtroopers would come back and destroy it again.

After the Battle on Exegol, for a few short days, there was peace in the galaxy. Rumors of the death of Kylo Ren and his fleet spread through space quicker than lightspeed. Planets rejoiced in their freedom – the Jedi killer had fallen, the First Order vanquished, their star destroyers destroyed… But our relief, our sense of peace was fleeting, dissipating as fast as it rose.

Kylo Ren seemingly emerged from the crumbled remains of Exegol. He came out of nowhere – vexed, humiliated, resentful and probably worst of all, affronted. Kylo Ren announced his survival by mercilessly destroying three planets. A temper tantrum – but for what?

Every day after that, whispers in the galaxy revealed Ren was rebuilding The First Order again. They visited villages, cities, and comminutes, declaring war on any man, woman or child that didn’t stand and declare their allegiance to the First Order. They took their fighters – male or female, young or old. The First Order army was the size it was before the Battle of Exegol in no time, but Kylo Ren didn’t stop.

Most planets declared their allegiance immediately – no one could blame them, Kylo Ren seemed to be even more vengeful than before, he seemed more unstoppable than before. Those who didn’t swear their allegiance ran as fast as they could. Most of them were killed immediately by stormtroopers, the ones lucky enough to escape went to whatever planet they thought could be their safe haven, invisible to the First Order’s eye.

For some reason, most people thought this meant Jakku.

Food had been scarce before people began to flood to the barely inhabitable planet and now that it had become more populated than it’s been in generations, the planet is on the brink of starvation.

At first, the villagers of Tuanul welcomed the runaways to Tuanul with open arms. Anyone who was an enemy of the First Order was a friend to them. They were terrified of their small numbers and desperate for any sense of hope – even if it was false. However, now, with so many mouths to feed, Tuanul isn’t the village it was before. Now everyone is hungry because of the lack of food, scared about when the First Order will attack again and just downright hostile.

As the First Order gets stronger with each passing day, Tuanul gets weaker.

General Leia Organa from the Resistance and a Tuanul villager with a secret, Inara, have a plan to take down the First Order and their Supreme Leader. However, complications arise as they always do. Will Inara be able to complete her mission for the Resistance? Or will she be one of the many to fall into the hands of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren? 


	2. No One Can Save You When You've Sunk This Low

###  **Inara**

Sunlight drenches the sandy planet of Jakku. I trudge through the sand, holding my bag close to me as I near the village. I remain alert but keep my eyes on the yellowish-brown substance that slides under my feet. Tuanul was once a friendly village, but now the villagers are hostile, making eye contact is the last thing I want to do among the unpredictable thieves that littered the village. I hold a staff tightly in my grip, silently daring anyone to touch me as I make my way through the crowd of people. No one did and I entered the village, heading to my destination.

When I reach the clay hut, I glance around me nervously before gently tapping on the door. “Zarola?” I call, “It’s me, Inara.” I wait patiently for the door to open and when it does, an elderly woman pokes her head out, glances side to side as I had moments before and then slowly opens it the rest of the way.

“Inara, darling,” she greets. “How are you?”

I smile down at her tiny, frail body. Her white hair shines brilliantly against her sun-kissed skin, age spots litter her face, chest, and arms. “I’m fine, how are you?”

Before Zarola can respond, her young granddaughter runs up to me, embracing me tightly around my hips. “Inara!” She yells.

“Hi, Madora!” I kneel and give her a proper hug.

Madora pulls away from me. “Will you take me outside and play?” She gives me the biggest set of puppy dog eyes the galaxy has ever seen, and I hate that I have to disappoint her.

“Tomorrow,” I promise. “I have somewhere to be, I just wanted to bring you two some rations.”

Madora’s shoulders slump and her head falls forward. “Okay,” she says sadly before walking away.

“I’m sorry she depends on you for some much,” Zarola tells me. “It’s just so hard to take her out with all of the violence going on here nowadays. I know she misses her friends but… I’m not as young as I used to be. I don’t know if I will be able to protect her if I need to out there.” Zarola glances from me to the door as she speaks.

“No, don’t worry about it. I love spending time with Madora, I’d be here more if I could.” I begin digging in the bag that hangs at my side. I pull out two types of packaged food. One from Unkar Plutt and the other, bigger package which had the symbol of the Resistance stamped onto the paper packaging. I hand both portions packs to Zarola. “This should help get you through until Nazeem gets another shipment in. I also came across a Tuanulberry bush! I brought you some berried from it; it’s not much but –”

Nazeem clasps both of her hands around mine. “Thank you so much. You are truly a blessing.”

I attempt a smile as she graciously takes the packages. I dip my hand back in the bag and pull out a small bundle of berries wrapped in paper and then place them on her table. “I only wish I had enough to share with our entire village,” I tell her.

Zarola lifts her hand, placing it reassuringly on my cheek and smiles at me. Wrinkles crease by her eyes as she peers at me. “Help will come soon. Those with ships have begun to leave, Jakku will become sustainable again.”

“I just hope it’s not too late,” I tell her. “I have to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, dear,” she says, walking me to the door.

Zarola and I say our goodbyes and I head outside, feeling safer since I wasn’t carrying anything the people of my village would want. I begin to quickly head towards the back end of the village towards the sand dunes I visit regularly. As soon as I clear the first dune, a staff comes heavily down on me, barely giving me time to block it with my own.

“You’re late!”

I bat Nazeem’s staff away, staring at the Resistance fighter that stands to face me. “I know, I’m sorry. I had an errand to run.”

“Run them faster,” she tells me before getting in her fighting stance.

I sigh, knowing there’s no point in arguing with her. I wipe the sweat already accumulating on my forehead; the sun is beginning to set but the heat is still unforgiving. “Why won’t the Resistance send our village food?”

“We’ve been through this,” Nazeem says. “The Resistance isn’t an unlimited supply of charity. No matter how much Leia wants to help, there’s only so much we can do.”

“She sends us food,” And Leia did. Every couple of weeks Nazeem takes two days off from my training to drive her speeder to an undisclosed area and meets with someone from the Resistance base – then she comes back with food.

The little patience Nazeem has evaporates in the heat. “We work for them, Inara. I can’t lead my army if I’m malnourished and I would be wasting my time training you in the arts if you’re too weak to fight when you need to. No more talking!”

Nazeem doesn’t give me a chance to reply and swings heavily at me which, again, I barely have time to block. She swings her staff side to side and up and down. I think I’m doing good, blocking each one of her attacks, but I don’t realize her ulterior motives until I’m backed up against a sand dune. She stabs the end of her staff into the dune, inches from my head.

“You need to pay more attention to your surroundings, and you need to learn how to switch from defense to offense. How do you expect to kill Kylo Ren if you can’t even disarm me?” Nazeem spits.

I shove her staff away from me and raise my staff, delivering hits with anger. I swing as hard as I can, allowing instinct to overcome me. Nazeem blocks me, backing up as she does so. She makes a mistake though and stops focusing on her footwork, tripping over the sand and falling backwards. I knock her staff from her hands and then press the end of my own staff against her throat.

“Do not bring _him_ up,” I tell her, I leave my staff on her throat for another moment before pulling away.

Nazeem laughs as she gets to her feet. “Bringing him up is the only way to get you to take this seriously. I’m not here to feed your village of cowards, Inara. I’m here to train you for the Resistance!”

“I do take this seriously! Leia knows how serious I take this!”

“You are getting mad at the wrong person here,” Nazeem tells me. “Leia trained you on your mind, hopefully, it will help you if you’re ever captured and Ren tries to search your mind about the Resistance, but we don’t want it to ever get that far. That’s why she sent me here to train you in combat. So, you can at the very least have a fighting chance if you are ever found out.”

“A fighting chance? Nazeem, you know as well as I do that this –” I raise up my staff, “- will be no match for any of the First Order’s weapons. Training me with this isn’t going to help and you know it!”

“And you know that this is only the beginning of your training. Basics first and then we will move you to a weapon that –”

“I’m tired of waiting!” I yell. “I want to kill him now!”

“You’re not ready,” Nazeem says calmly. “You have so much more to learn.”

My jaw aches; I hadn’t even noticed I’d been clamping down on it. “Fine,” I tell her. “Let’s continue.”

Nazeem and I continue our duel, only stopping when one of us had been disarmed or defeated. Focusing is harder than ever but I’m still able to pin Nazeem down a hand full of times before she calls it quits. The sun had gone down at some point and it is time to return to the village.

She grins at me as I help her up out of the sand. “You are getting stronger. Rey would have been proud of you.”

I don’t answer her. Instead, I wonder when – or possibly if – I will ever stop feeling an ache in my chest at the mention of my best friend’s name.

I was here in Tuanul, helping the wounded dispose of the dead when the First Order attacked Niima Outpost. Once I did all I could do, I headed home. Rey and I shared the wreckage of an Imperial transport. It was small and didn’t grant either of us any privacy, but neither of us minded. She was my best friend and had been since her parents abandoned her on Jakku. I was there when she cried herself to sleep and as she held on to the hope that they would return to her again.

But Rey wasn’t in the transport when I had arrived. I searched everywhere for her, figured she was scavenging somewhere or exploring. I wasn’t afraid of never finding her until Unkar grabbed me and blamed me for Rey stealing his ship. At first, I thought he was lying – that Rey wouldn’t have left Jakku, we had talked about it before and she refused. She was waiting on her parents – she wouldn’t have left, and she definitely wouldn’t have left without me.

But she did.

And I never saw her again.

Passing foreigners brought stories about her from around the galaxy, every one of them contradicted the last. At first, she was dead, then she lived, then killed again by Snoke but she had also killed him. Some said she had joined the Resistance or that she took the hand of Kylo Ren. I didn’t find out the truth about what happened until six months ago.

A large transport ship landed west of Niima Outpost. At first, I was hopeful, thinking Rey came back for me. Came to save me from this unforgivable planet. When I saw multiple people walk down the bay door, I grew petrified. What if one of them was Kylo Ren? Had he come to destroy Jakku as he had many of the planets before us?

But there wasn’t a tall, masked figure with them, and their group lacked the white armored stormtroopers. The woman that led the group was older but gorgeous. She had brown hair that had begun to grey and was flanked by two men and a Wookie.

“I’m General Leia Organa with the Resistance, we’re looking for anyone that may have known a girl by the name of Rey.”

Leia told me that she, Poe, Finn, and Chewie had come to visit Rey’s home planet to celebrate her as it was the one-year anniversary of her death. It was also the one-year anniversary of the Battle on Exegol. Rey had been dead for one whole year before I knew. I should have been prepared, a part of me – even if it was just the tiniest of slivers – should have known she was dead. Although believing that Rey escaped this dreadful planet without me, never to return, the thought of her dying destroyed me. She was my best friend and even though I had my boyfriend, I didn’t know how to live in a galaxy where Rey didn’t exist.

Soulmates aren’t just lovers. They’re friends too.

Poe and Finn told me amazing stories of Rey to help cheer me up. They told me how strong she was, how brave and downright stubborn – all of which I already knew but I appreciated them trying. She was a hero to everyone that was against the First Order. They told me about her lineage, and I wished I was there to comfort her when she found out. Then, it accidentally slipped out about her murderer’s lineage.

How could two war heroes produce such a malicious monster? I almost wish they didn’t tell me.

After hearing about the truth behind General Organa, it surprised me to remember that she was a General of the Resistance. When she told me they were still fighting against the First Order, against her son. I knew I had to join.

Leia wanted a spy to infiltrate the First Order and I was to be that spy. She sent me Nazeem, a Captain to the growing Resistance army. When I asked why I couldn’t leave Jakku to go to the Resistance base and train, she said her son wasn’t looking for Resistance fighters in the middle of nowhere. So, every day, besides the two Nazeem was gone to meet the Resistance, I trained in combat with Nazeem. Slowly getting stronger.

A roaring engine from above pulls me out of my thoughts. Four ships fly towards the village, landing quickly in the sand.

“Is that Leia?” I ask, turning to Nazeem.

Nazeem’s eyes are wide with something I’ve never seen on her before – fear. “No,” she replies in a hushed, panicked whisper.

I furrow my brows, looking from her to the ships which are now open and white figures are walking out. Stormtroopers. “It’s him.”

Upon hearing my words, Nazeem grabs my shoulders and spins me around to face her. Her hands leave me and go up to her neck quickly, she slips off her necklace and puts it around my neck. “Take this,” she tells me. “If something happens to me, use it to contact the Resistance.”

“What?” I ask, looking down at the small pendant. How was a necklace going to help me?

“Inara, listen to me. You need to hide, okay? Take off and don’t come back until the ships are gone.”

“No!” I protest, shaking my head. “No! I’m not running away! I’m ready to fight him!”

She grabs my hands. “Inara!”

“No!” I try to yank free from her. “Let me go!”

“You are underestimating Kylo Ren! The Resistance is counting on you. Do as I say and hide until the ships leave.”

“What about Holden?” I ask. I hate the thought of running, but it would make the decision a little easier if I knew the man, I called mine would be safe.

“I’ll find him,” Nazeem assures me. “Now go!”

I reluctantly do as I’m told and begin running parallel to the village staying close to the sand dunes for added protection. I hear screams and children crying, huts and other structures are inflamed, and it angers me. These people shouldn’t have to go through this again. They deserve to live in peace. I want to turn around and protect them…

“Stop!”

A stormtrooper appears out of seemingly nowhere. My hand instinctively grips my staff and I’m about to swing when I’m knocked into the sand. I roll over to see another stormtrooper standing directly above me, his blaster pointed at my chest.

“Get up,” he tells me.

I get to my feet quickly, wondering what the best possible way to get out of this mess would be. Before I can decide, one of them snatches my staff from me and tosses it into the sand.

“Move,” he tells me, pressing the blaster between my shoulder blades.

The stormtrooper leads me into the village where they had gathered the people of Tuanul, pinned them down like a scared and defenseless animal. They grip onto one another, crying, shaking… I spot Zarola standing on the other side of the crowd, little Madora gripped to her grandmother’s hips. How could I have possibly thought to leave them?

A sudden hum brings me out of my thoughts before I can become too ashamed of myself. Through the darkened sky, a black ship with tall, elongated wings emerges and slowly lands amongst the others. I watch the bay door open with a deafening hiss. Two stormtroopers walk out and a tall, cloaked figure follows them.

My breath catches in my throat and I swallow hard. I’d never seen him before but every inch of me was screaming that this is Kylo Ren. His arms stick out from his side, weighed down by the fists he held. A dominating authority exudes from him, intimidating the crowd without even doing anything. His face is shielded by a helmet I thought is completely black, but as he pans the crowd and the fires illuminate the silver and red in it.

I can hear my heart pound against my chest and I’m almost positive Kylo Ren can hear it too. I wonder if this is how Rey felt in her last moments before he killed her. Did she remain brave until the end? Did she beg for her life?

Anger begins to rise in my chest. Ren is speaking now – a metallic voice emitting from the helmet – but I can’t hear him. All I can hear is the blood pumping in my veins, the flames crackling behind me and roofs of huts falling into what was just homes minutes ago. I hear a child crying… I clench my hands, feeling my nails dig into the flesh of my palms.

“We destroyed Tuanul before and graciously let you rebuild. Now you will serve under the First Order. The –”

“We are tired, hungry and weak. We would be no use for your fight!” My head snaps in the direction of the defiant villagers, my heart dropping into the sand beneath me. Zarola, once too scared to take her granddaughter outside, too scared to protect her from normal villagers, has decided that now is the time to become courageous and outspoken.

I watch Zarola be lifted into the air by invisible ropes. I don’t understand what’s happening until my eyes find Ren; his hand is outstretched cupping the desert air with his gloved hand.

“You will not defy me!” He yells. He twists his hand and from across the sea of people, I hear Zarola’s body fall to the ground. I don’t have to see her to know Ren killed her.

“NO!” I scream. I take a step to run towards Zarola, towards Madora who is screaming for her grandmother to get up but before I can get anywhere, I’m grabbed from behind and shoved to my knees in the sand.

It takes Ren moving towards me to rip my eyes away from where Zarola had fallen. His heavy footsteps cause the sand to crunch beneath him. Tears fall freely from my face and the closer Ren gets, you know Nazeem is undoubtedly right. I completely underestimated how cold-blooded and cruel Kylo Ren could be.

I tighten my jaw, a lame attempt at composing myself as Ren stops directly in front of m, lowering himself down at my level. I can’t ignore how intimidatingly huge he is. He’s so close I can see small scratches and dents in his helmet – I wonder if Rey caused any of them. Before I can stop myself, and sure that death by Ren’s hand is inevitable anyway, I spit on Ren’s helmet.

As soon as the spit lands, I’m knocked to my belly by the stormtrooper that held on to me. I feel his armored foot on the small of my back and his blaster against my head. “Orders, sir?” he asks.

Ren doesn’t answer immediately. I hear the sand beneath him sift as he stands and begins to walk away. He calls behind him, “Bring the girl. Leave the rest to starve.”

###### Author's Note

Thank you guys for reading. This is my first fanfic on here (I used to write on mibba) so I hope you guys really enjoy.  
Title credit: Just Surrender "Lose Control"


	3. You've Got a Fire Inside but Your Heart's So Cold

###  **Inara**

“No! Stop! Let me go!”

No matter how much I jolt and kick and scream, the stormtroopers refuse to loosen their iron clad grip on me. I allow my legs to go limp, hoping the dead weight would slow them but it only causes my arms ache under the clasp of their grip as they drag me through the sand. As soon as I’m in the ship, they throw me to the floor and the bay door closes behind me. Most of the troopers gather in strict straight lines as the engines start with a loud roar. The two troopers that dragged me into the ship stand at my side and a man in an all-black First Order uniform walks up to me.

“Hold her still,” he orders them.

They pick me back up just as I feel the ship heave into space. For the first time in my life, I’m leaving Jakku. For the first time in my life, I don’t want to. A sharp pain followed by an ice-cold sensation fills my veins. I hadn’t even noticed the man in black had approached me and stuck a needle in my arm.

“What is that?” I ask, panicked as he pulls the needle out of my arm. A small drop of blood begins to gather instantly. “What is that?” I ask again in a more demanding tone.

“When she’s out, return to your lines,” he tells the troopers before walking away.

“Hey! No! What is that? What did you do to me?!” I call after him trying to get loose from the stormtroopers hold.

“That’s right, accelerate that heartrate. It’ll only make the serum work faster,” the trooper to my left says.

“Serum?” I ask beginning to feel dizzy. “What serum? What did you do –” Suddenly the three lines of stormtroopers in front of me turned into six… I blink hard, trying to focus. “What did…” I feel myself go limp in the stormtroopers arms before I sink into a drugged unconsciousness.

My eyes flutter open, I blink a few times still feeling the effects of grogginess on my face. It feels like that odd sensation when your pulled out of a deep sleep abruptly, when your face doesn’t quite have all of its feeling to it, like it’s numb and you don’t quite feel all the way there. I look around the room I’m in and the memories of what happened in the last – how long had it been? – _however long_ and I grow panicky once more. It’s clear I’m in a cell of sorts but the room is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Everything is clean and shiny, the floors, walls and ceiling are all the same shade of dark grey but the door is made of glass. The room is very dimly lit but I can tell I’m sitting on a thin cot and there’s one surveillance camera in the far corner with a steady blinking light.

I stand up and walk over to the glass door. The hallway is brightly lit but empty. My fist collides with the glass, hitting it hard with the side of my hand. I knew it wouldn’t work but still, I’m disappointed when the glass doesn’t budge.

“Hello?” I call, my warm breath fogs up the glass. “Hello?!”

I want… No, I _need_ answers. Why did Ren bring me here? Why didn’t he just kill me in the desert? Like he did Zarola…

Oh, Zarola. My heart breaks at the memory. What would happen to Madora? She’s so young and yet she has lost everyone that has ever cared about her. A lump grows in my throat and I walk back over to my cot, collapsing on it. I should have done more to protect her. I shouldn’t have tried to leave the village like Nazeem told me. I should have taken her training more seriously.

Before I can fall further into the pit of despair, the glass door slides open and I’m greeted by a blaster. “Get up,” a stormtrooper tells me. Against my better judgement, I do as I’m told. The trooper enters the cell and quickly cuffs me. “Move,” he tells me, jutting the blaster into my shoulder blade.

My feet move forward, and I’m escorted out of the cell and down the hall. I think about escaping but where would I go? I don’t even know where I am; I wouldn’t get far before I’m captured again.

There’s another stormtrooper at the end of the hall. They open a door and the first trooper pushes me inside the room so hard I stumble over my own two feet. I expect to come face to face with Ren and his tri-blade saber I’ve heard so much about, but the room is empty of people and…filled with showers?

I hear the door behind me close and I turn around to see one of the stormtroopers standing there, their gun pressed to their chest. “Get against the wall, raise your arms,” she says, pointing to one of the shower walls with her gun.

Unsure of what other choice I have, I follow her instructions and stand against the wall. She walks to the wall on the opposite side of me and presses a button. My hands slap against the wall, an invisible gravitational pull presses my handcuffs to the cement.

“Hey – wait, what’s going on?” I ask trying to pull my hands free from the wall – no matter how hard I pull, my hands won’t budge.

The trooper doesn’t answer me instead puts down her weapon and walks over to me with a blade in her hand. At first, I think she’s about to gut me in the shower – it’s easy clean up that way, right? – but then she begins to slice away my layers of clothes.

“Hey!” I yell, trying to kick her away. “Leave me alone! Get off me!”

I feel a sharp pain in my abdomen followed by the stormtrooper cursing under her helmet. “Shit!” I look down and see her hands are shaking A thin red line the length of my pinky has appeared on my abdomen, blood slowly begins to crawl away from it. “Will you calm down before you get us both killed?”

“Just let me do it myself. I promise I won’t do anything,” It’s a feeble attempt and I’m sure she hears it from prisoners all the time but the humiliation in my cheeks is desperate to be left with even a shred of dignity.

The stormtrooper ignores me as she rips the rest of my clothes from my body leaving me handcuffed and naked – completely defenseless. I turn, trying to hide my naked body but it’s useless. The stormtrooper returns to the wall with buttons and presses one. Water colder than I’ve ever felt before douses me. I yelp out in surprise, again trying to pull myself from the wall but to no avail. When the trooper thinks I’m drenched enough she turns the water off and hits another button. I flinch, not knowing what to expect. A droid flies up out of nowhere and begins lathering my hair and body, the fresh wound burns violently when the soap enters it.

I try to tell myself this is better than an actual stranger doing it but the thought doesn’t bring any comfort. The droid scubs my skin raw and tangles my hair in its metal arms before it flies away, and the water douses me again. I wonder if this is a form of torture, and then decide it absolutely is. By the time the water shuts off again, I can feel my bones shaking beneath the frozen skin, muscle and fat. The trooper picks the gun back up, presses the button to release me from the wall and unlocks my cuffs.

“Get dressed,” she tells me, motioning to a pile of black clothes folded neatly on a chair in the corner. “Don’t make me shoot you.”

I’m not even tempted to call her bluff. I scurry to the pile of clothes. “Can I get a towel to dry off? Or something to stop the bleeding?” I ask.

The stormtrooper doesn’t reply so I’m forced to peel the clothes onto my wet, freezing body. The bleeding cut on my stomach isn’t deep enough for medical attention but is bleeding enough to cause red drips to slide down my stomach and towards my panty line. I ignore it and pull the top on over it, pressing the shirt to the cut to stop the bleeding. As soon as I’m dressed the trooper slaps the cuffs back on and pushes me out the door.

At blaster point, I’m escorted back to my cell. When we arrive to the dimly lit dark grey cell, I’m uncuffed and shoved in. Frustrated, I turn around before the door closes.

“I guess a brush is out of the question?” I ask. Again, the trooper is silent, and the cell door slides shut before I’m left in solitude again.

I run my fingers though my dripping wet hair attempting to untangle the mess the droid made before plopping down on the thin First Order issued cot. As I’m getting comfortable and wishing there was a blanket, the door slides open and a droid walks in quickly. He sets down a plate with a muffin on it before disappearing through the door again; it closes tightly behind him.

I pick up the muffin, inspecting it for poison. My stomach growls, reminding me of how hungry I am and with a bite, I decide that if I’m going to die anyways, I might as well die with something in my stomach.

The cell door doesn’t open again until the next morning. I don’t see a stormtrooper but the same droid as before walks in, sets down a plate with fruit and then leaves again. The loneliness is almost crippling. In Tuanul, it’s so crowded all the time – there’s a constant chatter and bumping into people as you walk through the village. I was constantly touching someone, even if I didn’t want to be. Inside this cell, the silence is almost deafening. I can easily see myself going crazy from the lack of human, or even non-human, connection. Maybe that’s what Ren wanted – for my mind to slowly cave in on itself, to be tortured by absolutely nothing before he killed me.

After three days, I received another dehumanizing shower and in the days between I received one meal, even smaller than the portions I got on Jakku. On the sixth day, I decide I’d rather die attempting to escape than die of loneliness in the cell and its deafening silence. So, when the droid enters the room, I kick it in the chest, causing it to fall backwards clumsily. I walk out of the room quickly, surprised that there’s not a stormtrooper standing guard. The surprise is cut short, however, when I turn the corner and I’m greeted by two of them, wielding blasters.

I stop and they immediately point their guns at me. “Prisoner, we will shoot. Return to your cell!” One of them orders.

My hand is resting on my stomach, I don’t realize until now that I’m holding the incision that never closed and is now slowly bleeding into my shirt. Why wouldn’t this thing heal?

Something clicks and I narrow my eyes up at the stormtroopers. “You can’t shoot me,” I tell them. The stormtrooper in the shower was scared when she cut me. I don’t know why, and in this moment, I don’t care about the details. Before either of them can reply I kick one of the troopers in his white armor, he’s caught off guard and stumbles backwards. As I turn to the other stormtrooper I’m relieved Nazeem showed me some of the tricks she did. The second trooper points his gun at me, his finger is on the trigger but he’s hesitating. I knock the gun to the side and stomp my foot down on the side of his knee. I hear a crunch and I know I’ve broken his leg. He falls screaming underneath his helmet. I get a knot in my stomach – I might have forgot that there’s an actual human beneath that armor.

I hear the charge of a weapon and I turn around, facing the trooper that had fallen to the ground. His blaster is trained on me and before I have the chance to react, he fires his weapon.

When I wake, I’m laying on the thin cot. I blink hard, hoping to blink the throbbing in my head away as I remember the events that led up to this moment. I remember the blaster shot to the chest and sit up, searching my body for a gaping hole simultaneously wondering how I’m still alive. There is no wound and a part of me wonders if I had dreamed the whole thing. I groan internally and begin to lay back down hoping more sleep would get rid of this headache. Before my head hits the cot, something catches in the corner of my eye and I sit back up, looking over towards the cell door, immediately scooting away from it.

Silhouetted by the bright hallway and dark clothing, Kylo Ren sits in a chair directly in front of the cell doors. He sits forward in his chair, his forearms resting on his knees. His leather gloves groan under the weight of his grasp as he clenches and unclenches his fists.

I swallow hard. “What do you want from me?” I almost didn’t recognize my own voice – it sounds braver than I feel.

Ren stops moving all together, I’m not even sure he is breathing. He hesitates before countering with, “Who are you?”

I narrow my eyes, finding the question odd and unnerving. What could he possibly mean? He’s the one that took me from my home, it’s not like I snuck in here. “Apparently, I’m your prisoner.”

“My General tells me you keep harming my stormtroopers and even a droid. Why is that?”

I scoff. I know Ren is a lot of things but I never thought of him as stupid. “Maybe because I don’t want to be here? You –”

Ren cuts me off but his voice still seems nonchalant; matter of fact. “I took you away from a planet that is slowly dying. You wouldn’t have survived much longer there. I did you a favour.”

“And you left everyone else there to starve,” I spit. “I remember.”

“They defied me. Normally, I would have used the Star Destroyer to demolish the imbecilic planet along with its despicable inhabitants but that would have been a kindness they don’t deserve.”

“And I do?” I ask him.

Ren’s synthetic voice has more bite to it, and I know I’ve hit a nerve. “You should be grateful, I saved you from –”

I don’t care if he’s getting angry, I cut him off. “You killed my friend!” Two, but I refuse to allow myself to think of Rey.

He pauses and I wonder if he’s trying to remain calm or if Zarola’s life was so frivolous to him that he doesn’t remember. I wouldn’t be surprised. “She defied me,” he tells me. “She proved that Jakku is nothing but a planet filled with scum that is of no use to me. You should be grateful I see a use for you.”

I don’t give myself time to wrap my head around what he meant. I know he won’t tell me anyway. “What should I be grateful for? The one meal a day or the absolutely dehumanizing and humiliating showers?”

“You eat better here than you did on Jakku,” he tells me.

“I would have rather died on Jakku!” I seethe.

Ren jumps out of the chair so quickly it slams into the glass behind him. He reaches out his hand and I feel myself being pulled to my feet. “I think what you mean to say is _Thank you, Supreme Leader_. You now owe me your life and you will pledge yourself to the First Order.”

Fear and the Force paralyze me as Ren moves across the floor of the cell. He doesn’t stop until he’s so close I swear I can hear his breath emitting from the mask.

I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being. “Fuck you.”

Ren squeezes his hand and suddenly, I feel the air leave my lungs and my throat collapses on itself. “Your name,” he demands.

I can’t focus on anything other than the fact that I can’t breathe. My lungs feel as though they’re shriveling up and my head is mere moments from bursting open. Just when I think I can’t take it anymore and begin to silently beg for death, Ren releases me, and I feel my body hit the cold hard floor. I gasp for air, but I can’t seem to get enough. My hands fumble around my throat, still feeling the phantom pain of his invisible grasp. I glance up at Ren, my cheek pressed against the floor. He’s turned away from me, if I didn’t know better, I’d think he is ashamed of what he had done, but I know it’s something else. His clenched fists begin to relax.

I don’t know why but my name slips out of my mouth. “Inara,” I gasp, pulling myself off the floor. Ren’s head twitches towards me but he doesn’t turn around. “My name is Inara Moxcley.”

Ren doesn’t say anything else before he marches out of my cell. After he’s gone and the door slides shut, I allow myself to fall back onto the floor and before I can stop them, tears fall freely onto the cot beneath me.

I dream of Kylo Ren and his fleet killing everyone that doesn’t pledge their allegiance to him. I dream of the Dark Side taking over the galaxy, children being used in war, mothers slaughtered as they beg the Supreme Leader to take them instead…and Rey. My best friend, kind and loving and fierce stands next to him, a malicious grin on her face…

When I wake, I’m drenched in sweat. My chest heaves mournfully and angrily. I tell myself it’s just a nightmare. I remind myself that Rey is gone – unable to join the Dark Side. I swear to myself that I wouldn’t allow Ren to control the galaxy and I ignore the small voice in my head that tells me I am no match for Kylo Ren, no matter how much I want to be. 

“Get up.”

I jump at the sound of the familiar cold, clear voice with a synthesized edge. Ren is standing near the door, standing so still that if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was a statue.

I don’t want to move. I want to roll over, go back to sleep and pretend that I’m in a better place but I’m scared of what will happen if I do. I stand, wondering how long he had been watching me and if he’s going to make a habit out of it.

“What do you want from me?” I ask him again. If he’s going to kill me, I wish he would just get it over with.

Ren turns away from me and the cell door opens. “It’s time for your shower. Come.”

This time I refuse to move. I know I pushed him the last time he shared this cell with me but did he really think that humiliating me even more would persuade me to join the First Order? “No, thank you,” I say trying to sound grateful but firm.

Ren slowly turns to me. “Don’t make me force you,” he threatens.

Knowing he won’t hesitate to Force-throw me down the hallway, I take a step forward and follow him out of the room. Ren, however, doesn’t turn down the hallway and head to the showers. Instead, he turns down the same hall I tried to escape in. I follow him, curious as to where he’s leading me.

Stormtroopers and other enlisted members of the First Order march through the corridors, each one corrects their perfect posture even more when they see their Supreme Leader, but Ren doesn’t seem to be paying them any attention. I struggle to keep up with his long strides and wonder if he would notice if I were to trail behind and turn down one of the many hallways we passed. I don’t entertain the idea long, knowing I wouldn’t get far, and Ren would undoubtedly catch me.

Ren pauses at an elevator; when the doors opens, he steps into it and I follow him, standing beside him, trying not to let his height intimidate me. As we begin to move upwards, I realize that I can feel the cloth from his sleeve brush against my arm. Ren seems to notice this at the same time I do, and he instantly pulls away, folding his hands behind him. The doors open a moment later and Ren walks out first, and I follow him.

“Where are we going?” I ask as we walk down another main corridor.

Before he can answer – and I doubt he would have anyway, it seems to be a pattern with him – a stormtrooper approaches Ren. “Sir, the Allegiant General has requested your presence on the Bridge.”

Ren stops so abruptly that if I were any closer to him, I would have run into his back. “Ask Hux if I need to remind him who reports to who,” Ren tells the trooper. I arch my brow, hating myself for being impressed by how much authority he emits without even trying.

“Yes, sir,” the stormtrooper says even though Ren has started to walk away.

I follow him quickly as he turns down another hallway, eventually stopping in front of a door. He presses a button on the panel and the door slides open.

“These are your quarters now,” he tells me. “You are to remain inside this room until you’re told to leave.”

I look into the room and then back at him, but I don’t move. What is the catch? What did I do to deserve the upgrade?

As if he’s reading my mind, he says, “Or you can remain in your cell and endure those dehumanizing showers.”

“Thank you,” I say quickly. If gratitude is what Ren wants so desperately, I’m willing to give it to him if it meant being able to shower in privacy again.

I walk in without waiting for Ren to reply. As soon as I’m though the door, I turn to thank Ren again, but he’s gone and the door slides shut behind me.

###### Author's Note

Thank you guys for reading. I know, right now, my writing is a little rough but I'm way out of practice. It will get better, I promise. The next chapter will be in Kylo's POV so we will get to see what he's been thinking through all of this.


	4. An Empty Heart Replaced with Paranoia

###  **Kylo**

I flex my fists, watching the planet of Jakku get closer. My jaw clenches and I want to blow the planet to smithereens but instead, I order my pilot to land the ship. As soon as it lands, the hatch begins to open and two of the stormtroopers walk out and I follow them. The heat is miserable the moment my feet touch the sand. It groans under my feet as I stomp up to the crowd my division gathered for me. I’m exhausted. The last year and a half has been absolutely dreadful rebuilding the First Order. The Battle of Exegol nearly wiped everyone out – it’s a miracle that some of us even survived. After the Battle, the Resistance mourned the loss of their Jedi, Rey, and the First Order celebrated.

In my rage after the Battle of Exegol, I blew planets up to remind the galaxy that despite their beliefs and the rumors, not only was I still alive but the First Order was very much intact. I reminded them that the Resistance’s last hope, their Jedi Rey had died and the Resistance might as well have died along with it. I didn’t tell them how low our numbers were and quickly began to rebuild the First Order by proclaiming civilizations were to either join us or die.

Most of them joined us.

Many of them died.

The speech I give is worn out, tired. Each time I make it, I am surprised by how powerful it sounds coming out of me. It still surprised me when it caused civilizations to crumble. How weak minded are these people that they tremble at the sound of a tired speech?

I don’t even realize I’m in the middle of my overused speech until I’m interrupted. An old woman spoke up from the crowd.

“We are tired, hungry and weak. We would be no use for your fight!” She tells me.

She is right. Jakku is a planet for thieves and lowlifes. There is nothing they could offer me but there _should_ be. They _should_ figure out a way to help the First Order. I know I have to kill the woman to show the people of Tuanul that I am serious. You’re either with the First Order or you are dead.

I don’t hesitate when I snap her spine and drop her to the ground.

“NO!”

My head snaps to the other side of the crowd just in time to see a stormtrooper jerking a girl backward as she tried to run. My heart stops.

It couldn’t be. There is no way in hell Rey survived. I watched her as she became one with the Force. She disappeared in my embrace. I blink under the mask, squeezing my eyes shut so hard they ache. When I open them Rey is gone, another girl being held with her knees in the sand has replaced her.

The whisper of Rey’s imprint in the galaxy had haunted me before but something else is attracting me to this particular scavenger. I knew coming here was a bad idea. I don’t realize I’m moving closer to her until I’m standing above her. I squat in front of her, allowing myself to take everything about her in. Something about her is familiar but I can’t place it. A million questions tug at my mind – who is this girl? Did she know Rey? Is that where she gets her fierceness from? Why do I feel drawn to her?

I’m about to reach into her mind and find the answer to all of those questions when the girl does something that surprises me and further proves her fierceness. She spits on my helmet. Before I can react – and unsure of how I would have anyway – the stormtrooper holding onto her kicks her from behind and she falls to her stomach in the sand. “Orders, sir?” he asks me.

I slowly wipe the spit from my mask using the back of my gloved hand. Part of me knows I have to kill her. I had just killed an old woman, demanding not to be defied and then this scavenger scum has the audacity to spit on me. But, as my fingers wrapped around my saber, I realize I can’t kill her. There is something special about her, she is fierce and familiar and definitely has potential for _something_. I just can’t place my finger on _what_ exactly.

I stand and begin walking away. There’s nothing on this planet worth my time except for one thing. “Bring the girl. Leave the rest to starve,” I tell him.

Knowing the stormtrooper has no choice to listen to me, I head back to my ship desperate to get away from this dreadful planet. As soon as I walk onto the ship, I press the button to close the hatch. “Take me back to base,” I tell the pilot.

He nods immediately. “Yes, sir.”

On the way back to The Annihilator, I can’t get the girl off my mind. I should have just left her where she was, killed her for defying me just as the old woman had.

Why couldn’t I do it? Why did I hesitate? 

I punch the button for the hatch as soon as we land in the hangar of The Annihilator and General Hux begins to approach me, stiff as ever.

“Ren!” His snide voice calls after me as I try to walk away before he can reach me. I reluctantly stop, fists tight at my side.

“What, Hux?” I ask. Although I already knew the pilot from the other ship had reported back to base, alerting Hux that they were on their way with a prisoner. A protocol that is very inconvenient to me at this very moment. I tighten my fists.

Hux steps in front of me, blocking my path. “How did Jakku go?” I push past him, ignoring his question. “You have one job as our Supreme Leader, and _again_ you get distracted by a –”

“Did you need something, General Hux?” I ask as he trails closely behind me.

“The prisoner you insisted on bringing back, what do you want to do with her? What is your plan” He asks me, his lips pressed together thinly. I know he wants to ask me my reasoning but he’s smarter than that.

I sigh under my mask. I don’t know. _I don’t know!_ “Just… lock her up and tell the guards not to harm her.”

“Not to harm…” Hux begins to lose his patience. “Supreme Leader, she is very resistant! The guards need to be able to enforce order –”

I grab his throat with my hand and lift him into the air. His legs kicked and he clawed at my hand. “You will not forget who is in charge here, General Hux.”

I let go of him and he catches himself before he crumples to the ground. Before he can stop me with any more nonsense, I walk out of the hangar.

I’m still asleep when the holo-projector on my bedside table beeps. I crack one of my eyes open – ignoring the way it desperately begs to close. It beeps again and I sit up, pressing the button on the side of the small round device. I regretted it the moment Hux popped up, his hands held tightly behind his back. A look of disapproval smug on his face.

“Supreme Leader, you’re needed on the bridge immediately.”

I roll my eyes. “What is it that you can’t handle, General Hux?”

“There’s been a situation with the girl,” Hux says. “She attempted to escape.”

I stifle a groan and instead of replying, I end the hologram. “Fuck!” I yell.

As I get ready for the day, I struggle to come up with a reason why I must keep the girl as a prisoner. I know Hux is going to demand a reason and, as much as I hate it, _because I said so_ will only go so far. I play with the idea of killing Hux. There are several Generals in the galaxy – he wouldn’t be missed. But I know I can’t. While my army and crew fear me and my conniption as I prefer – they trust Hux.

I decide as I walked out of my quarters, that killing Hux is off the table. A conclusion I’ve regretfully come to every time I think about it.

The echoes of my footsteps are loud in the quiet hallway. Stormtroopers line parts of the hallway, blasters against their chest. A thought hits me. Hux said the girl _attempted_ to escape. Did she survive? Did he order her to be killed on site against my orders? My fists clench so hard they hurt. I turn the corner, one hallway closer to the bridge when someone nearly bumps into me.

“Oh!” she giggles. “Supreme Leader, I’m so sorry.” I narrow my eyes down at the blonde and move past her. Vega giggles again. “Let me know if you need anything, Supreme Leader.”

I ignore her and continue to the bridge.

As soon as I walk in, I head towards Hux who is looking out the window. “General Hux, report.”

“Oh, yes,” Hux turns to me. “At dinner last night, the girl attacked the droid AKB-394 and –”

I stop him. “ _Last night?_ ” I clench my jaw beneath my mask. “Why am I only now being told?”

Hux scoffs. “You demanded to not be disturbed once you returned to your quarters last night, Supreme Leader.” He spits the last two words as if they were poison.

“Then what happened,” I demand through clench teeth.

“The two stormtroopers watching the detention center managed to stop her from leaving the hallway. AV-128 was able to subdue the prisoner after she broke AV-344’s leg.”

“Subdue?” I ask. I ignore the feelings of uneasiness in my chest.

Hux snarls. “Yes, your precious prisoner only encountered a blaster stun. She’s back in her cell.”

“Good,” I tell him, unsure of what else to say. I know he wants to know my plan for the girl but the truth is simple. I don’t have one.

“So, help me, Ren, if you put this organization in jeopardy again as you did with the scavenger I –”

“I killed the scavenger!” I bite back. His eyes shoot down to my waist and I realize I had clamped onto my lightsaber. I tightened my grip around its black handle, practically watching the sweat bubble up on his forehead. “Don’t make me kill you next,” I threaten quietly.

Before he can respond, I turn violently and head away from the bridge, my cloak flapping angrily behind me. I had been avoiding seeing the girl, but I knew I could no longer.

I enter the hall of the cells, the two stormtroopers standing guard tense when they see me.

“Leave,” I demand as I walk past them and down the hallway. I hear their footsteps as they do what I’ve commanded.

When I arrive at the girl’s cell, there’s another stormtrooper sitting in a chair beside the door. His head droops forward while he barely hung onto his blaster. At my footsteps, he wakes, fear immediately begins to emit from his armor.

“Good morning, sir.” He says, standing up. His gun shakes in his hand as he holds it close to his body.

“Leave us,” I tell him. He doesn’t hesitate before he begins to scurry away. Before he gets too far, I call out, “And soldier…” His footsteps stop. I don’t turn around to face him but I slightly turn my head back to him. “Do not let me catch you slacking again.”

“Yes, sir,” he says and shuffles off.

I press the code into the panel on the wall and the girl’s cell door opens. I drag the chair inside with me and the door slides shut. The girl is sleeping soundlessly. I watch her as her chest gently rises and wonder how she can sleep so peacefully while on enemy turf. She should be scared, unable to rest.

Of course, the stun to the chest might be helping her unconsciousness. Still, she looks peaceful even though she is stranded on an enemy’s ship.

Enemy. I toss the word back and forth, allowing it to bounce off my teeth and tongue. It doesn’t taste right. I don’t want the girl to be an enemy – she has a bite to her, a fierceness I’ve only seen a handful of times. I want to recruit her. I want her fierceness to be mine for the First Order’s use.

She stirs and slowly wakes. I watch her as she slowly remembers where she is and then panic rises in her and she begins to use her hands to search her body for what I assume is a blaster wound. I continue to train my eyes on her as she realizes she’s fine, her breathing returns to normal and she begins to lay back down. In another swift movement, she snaps her head back up and in my direction. She scoots backward, towards the wall, as if she can’t get away from me fast enough.

Ah, so she is afraid after all. A smirk pulls at my mouth.

I watch her as she eyes me. Her hair is a knotted mess and there’s a wariness in her eyes, but she looks unharmed. His eyes travel down to my hands and I catch myself clenching and unclenching my hands. I hadn’t even been aware I was doing it.

“What do you want from me?” She asks. Although she’s pressed against the wall like a scared, defenseless animal, there’s no wavering in her voice.

I hesitate before answering her. “Who are you?” I defer.

The girl stares at me before answering with, “Apparently I’m your prisoner.”

“My General tells me you keep harming my stormtroopers and even a droid. Why is that?” What I want to ask her is why she thinks she’s strong and smart enough to escape the First Order base.

She scoffs. Her attitude shouldn’t phase me, but it does. It digs under my skin and I clench my jaw. “Maybe because I don’t want to be here? You –”

My anger begins to rise – she’s being so ungrateful. I’ve received so much shit from Hux for demanding a violent prisoner be unharmed and for what? For her to be ungrateful? I saved her! “I took you away from a planet that is slowly dying,” I tell her, trying to remain calm. “You wouldn’t have survived much longer there. I did you a favour.”

“And you left everyone else there to starve. I remember.” The fire that burns within her is one of the many things that made me want her for the First Order but part of my wanted to snuff it out.

I decide to oblige her. “They defied me. Normally, I would have used the Star Destroyer to demolish the imbecilic planet along with its despicable inhabitants but that would have been a kindness they don’t deserve.”

“And I do?” She asks me.

I clench my jaw, losing my patience. “You should be grateful, I saved you from –”

The girl cuts me off. “I should be grateful? You killed my friend!”

I narrow my eyes at her. It takes me a few moments to remember the old woman in the village. “She defied me. She proved that Jakku is nothing but a planet filled with scum that is of no use to me. You should be grateful I see a use for you.” It’s not necessarily a lie, a see a use for her in the First Order l, I just don’t know _which_ use.

“What should I be grateful for? The one meal a day or the absolutely dehumanizing and humiliating showers?” Her voice cracks on the word _dehumanizing_ but she recovers so quickly I don’t think she even notices.

“You eat better here than you did on Jakku,” I tell her simply.

“I would have rather died on Jakku!” She spits.

Her incessant ungratefulness cuts me to the bone and snuffs out any bit of patience I held onto. I jump out of the chair, paying no attention to the sound of it clattering against the glass door behind me. Before I can stop myself, even if I wanted to, I reach out towards her and wrap her in the air around her. Her eyes are wide, and I feel it – I feel how terrified she is, not as terrified as the idiot stormtrooper sleeping on the job, but she knows I could easily end her life right here, right now.

“I think what you mean to say is _Thank you, Supreme Leader_ ,” I say through clenched teeth. “You now owe me your life and you will pledge yourself to the First Order.”

I watch her face closely as she wraps her mind around my words. “Fuck you,” she says. Hate drips from her teeth but it doesn’t matter. She’s not special, she’s not the first person to loathe me and she is nowhere near the last.

I roll my eyes under the mask, tired of this game. I cup my hand around the air and squeeze. Her eyes grow wider than before as she realizes what’s happening. “Your name,” I demand.

I want to tell myself that it doesn’t matter – to just kill the girl, that there are several more competent people for the First Order but I can’t. I feel drawn to her and I know the reason – partially, anyway. This girl reminded me of Rey. I knew it the moment she yelled at me in the desert. She had the same spirit as Rey, the same fire from within, the same fierceness and… audacity. It’s the only thing that is keeping me from killing her right now in this room.

Suddenly a calmness enters the room and I drop my hand to my side, turning away from the girl before she hits the ground. She chokes on air as she gulped it down. The anger that had once risen inside me had vanished. At that same moment, I feel _her_ presence accompany the calmness that blanketed me as _she_ always does. I feel tension escape my body but I would do anything to get it back. This couldn’t happen. Not right now.

“(y/n),” I hear quietly behind me. Curious, I incline my head towards her. “My name is (y/n, your last name).”

The feeling of calm strengthens. I leave the cell, knowing what’s going to happen next.

My feet have almost never moved more quickly. I ignore the staff as they greet me in the halls and raced to my quarters. As soon as I enter, the door slams shut behind me and I rip my helmet off.

“I can’t breathe,” I mumble to myself. I place my hands on my knees and squeeze my eyes shut.

Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away.

“Ben…”

Go away.

I glance up, the tension in my jaw slowly coming back. “I hate it when you do this.”

“I only come when you’re thinking heavily of me,” she tells me.

I walk past her. She’s so solid that if I didn’t know better, I would think she is actually here. “I wasn’t…” I start but we both know it’s useless to lie. She was… is my dyad – she knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

Rey’s Force-ghost doesn’t say anything to me for a moment. “Why are you doing this Ben?”

“Ben died on Exegol,” I tell her.

“I’ve heard that before,” she says. “This isn’t who you are. You know that. You turned to the Light Side once before, you can do it again.”

“For fuck’s sake, Rey, give it up!” I tell her. “Stop visiting me – I don’t want to see you. You died and I was happy it happened.”

“You can lie to yourself, Ben Solo, but you cannot lie to me.”

“Ben Solo is dead,” I repeat.

“No.”

I clench my jaw shut. “What – do – you – want?”

Rey sighs. “I want what I’ve always wanted. For you to return to the Light.”

I turn away from her pleading eyes. “Leave me.”

“Ben,” this time Rey says it more forcefully.

“Leave!” I yell so loud it shakes my entire core. After a moment, I turn back around, and she’s gone. The feeling of calmness disappears, and I collapse on my bed, completely exhausted.

I wake sometime later halfway hanging off the bed. I sit up, pull my gloves off my hands and rub my face before allowing my hand to comb through my dark hair. The conversation with Rey haunts me – like it always does when she visited me. My mind travels back to the prisoner –(y/n). I still had no idea what I was going to do with her. I can’t keep her locked away forever or I can…but it is absolutely pointless, and we will eventually need her cell for a more incriminating prisoner – she will then be released or put to death.

I find myself in front of her cell again. This time her sleep is uneasy. Her shirt is soaked through with sweat and I can hear her whimper in her sleep. She tosses and turns before she eventually wakes, her chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath.

“Get up.”

Her head snaps towards me. I’m surprised she does as she’s told. When she’s on her feet she asks the same question as before. “What do you want from me?”

“It’s time for your shower. Come.” I turn and the door opens, I wait for her to follow me, but her obedience has seemed to run dry.

“No, thank you.”

I turn, raising my brow though she can’t see it. Her neck glistens with sweat. “Don’t make me force you.” I try to keep my voice calm. If I’m to recruit her to the First Order she needs to know that I’m not – at least in this very moment – a threat to her. 

She hesitates and then follows me out of the door.

I don’t speak to her as I walk through the halls. First Order personnel greets me as I make my way from one side of the ship to the other, but I ignore them. I take (y/n) and myself into an elevator. I feel her brush up against me and I move away. I can tell she wants to ask me something but doesn’t until the doors open and we exit.

“Where are we going?”

I don’t reply.

After a few more strides a stormtrooper walks up to me. “Sir, the Allegiant General has requested your presence on the Bridge.”

I stop and turn to him. I know exactly what Hux wants. He wants to know what I’ve decided to do with the girl. I still don’t have an answer for him. “Ask Hux if I need to remind him who reports to who,” I tell him.

I begin walking off as he replies, I can hear(y/n)’s footsteps struggling to keep up with mine. We approach a door and I press a button before the door opens.

I step away from the entrance. “These are your quarters now,” I tell her. “You are to remain inside this room until you’re told to leave.”

(y/n) doesn’t answer me right away and I feel the frustration begin to build inside me. She dares to be ungrateful _again_? This is the nicest I’ve been to anyone in _years_ and this is how she thanks me? Pure ungratefulness?

“Or you can continue to stay in your cell and endure those dehumanizing showers,” I threaten.

“Thank you,” she says quickly.

I don’t reply although I’m glad to hear she’s finally appreciative of my hospitality. I watch her as she takes her first step into the room before I walk away. I’m about to enter the elevator when Hux steps out.

“Ren,” he says, his lips press together as eyes me. “I was just coming to find you.”

I don’t answer him and step onto the elevator, Hux follows.

Hux waits until the doors close to begin speaking again. “Why did you remove the girl from her cell? Does this mean you’ve decided on what to do with her?”

“The girl will be staying in the quarters I’ve assigned her while I recruit her to join the First Order,” I tell him.

“Absolutely not,” Hux says. “She will remain in her cell and we will drop her off at the next planet if you don’t want her killed. This is a command center and battleship. There is no room for someone that doesn’t have the First Order's best interest in mind. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder where your loyalties lie! Your distractions –”

I slam him against the elevator wall so hard the lights flicker and tighten my hands embrace on the air around him. His face turns into an angry red blister ready to pop. “I will not tell you again, you are not the one that will be making this decision. Do –” I tighten my grip, “you –” tighter, “understand?”

Hux claws at the air around his throat. “Yes… Su…preme…Lea…der,” he chokes out.

I let him go and he falls to the ground. The elevator comes to a halt and the doors slide open. I take a step out but Hux stops me.

“Might I suggest, sir, that the girl reside with Vega and Evolet and join them on their duties.”

I waste no time answering. “No."

###### Authors Note

Thank you for reading! And thanks to everyone that has left me Kudo's so far!  
Title Credit: Blink 182 "Stockholm Syndrome"


	5. We Don't Know What to Do About the New Girl

###  **Inara**

Living on Jakku, the buildings were made out of wet sand and straw. They were easily ruined, and the sand floors were uncomfortably hot most of the time. The room Kylo Ren took me to is anything but uncomfortable. The smooth, dark surfaces of the walls are lit up in certain areas, bringing light into the room. I run my hand across the comforter on the bed, letting its coolness tickle my fingertips. I’ve never had a real bed before; I want to jump in it and let the softness of the plush mattress embrace me but my skin is sticky with sweat. I walk past the bedroom into the next room that I assume is the bathroom. The light turns on as soon as I enter. It’s bright and clean. I walk over to the shower and turn it on.

Warmth.

So, there is warm water on this ship – that stormtrooper was just being a dick. I begin to strip my clothes off, pulling my tank top slowly away from the dried blood on my abdomen. I wince as it starts bleeding again and realize I must have busted it back open in my attempt to escape the stormtroopers.

Once completely naked, I step into the shower, allowing the warmth to coat my body. I stand underneath the waterfall for several minutes before I begin to look for soap. I’m surprised when I realize the shower is stocked with several different jars of body washes, shampoos, and conditioners that all smell amazing.

After the shower and brushing my hair – which never felt so good – I realize that I’m not sure if I have a change of clothes. I chew on my lip as I head out of the bathroom and back into the room. The bathroom had been stocked with everything I needed so surely there are some clothes _somewhere_ in here.

I pull open what looks to be a closet and grin when I see several tops and pairs of pants hanging. I search the drawers beside the closet and find a plethora of underwear and bras. I raise my brow wondering who was in charge of stocking the clothes. I pull on a bra and underwear, grab a top out of the room and back head to the bathroom.

I feel like I haven’t seen myself in years. A stranger looks back at me in the mirror. Her hair is long and brown, her skin sunkissed. An angry red line the length of my pinky screamed against her skin. Her collarbones jutted from her frame and on them laid…

“Nazeem’s necklace!” My hand flies up to the necklace hanging around my neck. In the mess of everything that happened, I totally forgot she gave me the necklace to contact the Resistance if I needed to.

Without wasting another moment, I pull the shirt over my head and take the necklace off. The pendant is small and round with different bumps and grooves. “How this fuck does this work?” I whisper to myself. Suddenly a hologram appears, and I’m greeted by a familiar face. “Leia?”

“Inara!” She says. She turns away from the hologram for a moment, says something I can’t hear and then turns back to me. “Nazeem told us what happened on Jakku. Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I…” _I’m fine_ doesn’t sound right but I don’t want her to worry about me. “I’m fine.”

“Well, we’ve been trying to contact you since the day it happened. Where did he take you?” Leia asked.

I shake my head. “I’m sorry for not reporting in sooner. I forgot about the necklace until just now. He had me in a cell until about an hour ago. He’s given me my own room.” Leia looks surprised and I continue. “I think I’m on The Annihilator… I don’t… I’m not exactly sure but…”

“We will send a rescue team to you immediately,” Leia says.

“What? No, Leia, I’m already here. Don’t risk lives to come get me. This was the goal anyway, right? If I leave no there’s no way I’ll get back on the ship.”

Leia shakes her head. “No, Inara it’s too soon. Ben is very dangerous. You’re not ready!”

Before I can reply, another figure comes into view of the hologram. “Inara!?”

“Holden!” I smile. “Holden, I tried to get to you but Nazeem, she -”

Holden cuts me off. “Hey, don’t worry about it. Are you okay? Poe should be back any minute now. When he gets here, I’m going to head your way. Did he touch you? Did he hurt you?”

I shake my head. “No. No, Holden, I’m fine and… and I’m staying. I’m going to take down the First Order.”

Holden looks to Leia who gives him a defeated look. She knows I had made up my mind and was right about this being our best chance. “Inara, no,” he says. “Come home. I miss you. I love you.”

“Holden, I have to do this. This is the right thing to do. I can…” I glance at Leia, “I can do this.”

Holden opens his mouth to protest but Leia puts her hand up, silencing him. “Fine. But you have to check in with the Resistance every two days. Not only for your safety but with information about the First Order.”

“Yes ma’am,” I reply.

“Now, Inara, with this holo-projector that Nazeem gave you. It’s very tiny and, frankly, it’s a prototype. We gave it to Nazeem for communication only because we also had a rendezvous point set up, so if the holo-projector failed we would still have a form of communication. It wasn’t meant for this type of mission and it is very likely it will fail. If this happens, you must leave the First Order at once. We can’t protect you if we don’t know what’s going on.”

“Okay,” I reply.

“Also we can’t be the ones to initiate the call. You must be the one to initiate it every two days.”

“But you just said you had been trying to contact me,” I say, confused.

She nods. “Correct, keyword being tried. The transmission wouldn’t go through, so you must be the one to call us.”

“Okay but I don’t know how. I don’t even know I made this happen,” I tell her.

Leia laughs. “Press where the chain meets the pendant. Hold it for five seconds and it will begin the transmission.”

“Oh,” I say. “Okay… well, I guess I’ll talk to you in two days.”

“I love you, Inara,” Holden says.

I bite my lip, unable to respond in the way I know he wants me to. “Oh, hey – if you’re with the Resistance now, what happened to Madora?”

“Don’t worry, she’s safe,” Holden said. “She’s not here but Leia sent her to live with someone she knows and trusts.”

I nod, relieved. “Okay… well, I guess I’ll check in soon.”

Leia gives me a smile before the transmission ends.

I’m awake before I open my eyes. I focus on the softness of the bed, the smoothness of the sheets and the warmth the blankets provide me. The bed alone is reason enough to join the First Order. I shift in the bed and attempt to convince myself to get out of the bed and get ready for whatever the day awaits. _On the count of three. One…two…two and a half…two and three quarters…_

“Moxcley.”

I shoot up in the bed, turning to face where the sound comes from. My eyes land on the hooded figure I’ve come to know.

“What the fuck?” I half-scream. How long had he been standing there? Is this going to become an everyday thing?

“Get up, it’s time for breakfast and I don’t have all day to show you around.”

“I…” I run a hand through my hair. “Why…”

“You have five minutes,” Ren tells me before he exits the room.

“What the fuck?” I whisper to myself. Kylo Ren might not be used to boundaries considering he’s the Supreme Leader and thinks he can do anything he wants, but that’s going to change and quick.

Although I’d rather stay in bed longer, I make myself get up and ready for the day. Five minutes was barely enough time to begin to wake up, let alone dress, make my hair presentable and brush my teeth, but I manage to make it out into the hallway in time.

Kylo Ren stands there, stiff as ever, hands clutched at his side. “Come,” he demands as he turns on his heel and begins to walk down the corridor.

I open my mouth to tell him that it wouldn’t kill him to be a _little_ nicer, or at least less demanding but decide against it. I jog to catch up with him but notice it’s easier this time.

“You’re going to begin training as a stormtrooper,” he tells me.

I furrow my brows. “What?”

“I’m short a stormtrooper because you broke his leg. You’ll be trained to take his spot in combat.” Ren tells me without looking at me.

“In combat?” I scoff, “You mean killing innocent people when they refuse to bow to you?”

Ren doesn’t answer me.

“I’ll never kill for you,” I mumble.

Ren stops and turns to me so quickly I nearly trip over my two feet trying to get away from him. “You will do as you are told. You will stop fighting me and you will devote yourself to not only the First Order but to me as your Supreme Leader.”

“Why would I devote myself to an organization that held me captive for a week, starved me and sprayed me down with freezing water?”

Ren continues to walk forward. “You haven’t been here for a week.”

“Okay, maybe it doesn’t feel like a week because you’re busy…” I cut myself off, deciding not to offend him again. “But I know how long I’ve been here.”

“Today is day three.”

“Um…no,” I press.

“You were given a drug on the way here. It makes time move slow. Three days to you was one day in reality. We usually give it to people we need information from. They think more time has passed and they begin to lose hope to be rescued. Almost every time they give us the information we need.”

Now the cut on my stomach that seemed to not want to heal makes sense. “Torturing them seems more your style,” I say. I expect him to turn around again but he doesn’t.

His answer is simple and leaves chills down my spine. “I do that, too,” he says.

I’m silent for the rest of the walk, unsure of what to say. Kylo Ren is intimidating and, although I know my mission is to get close to him and infiltrate the First Order, I honestly have no idea how to even begin.

“What’s stormtrooper training like?” I ask him. He doesn’t answer. “Will you be the one training me?”

“No,” he answers.

We stop in front of a large door which opens immediately. Inside there are hundreds of people chattering and eating. I take a couple of steps forward, suddenly feeling nervous. This ship has thousands of people on it. Thousands of people that know each other, work with each other and probably have even formed relationships and friendships with each other. And all I have is me. Just me. A sudden feeling of loneliness washes over me.

I turn to face Ren but I realize I’m standing in front of the door alone. I wonder how someone so intimidatingly large can possibly walk away so quietly. I chew on the bottom of my lip for a moment before deciding to head in.

The canteen is even louder once I walk in. I join the line, trying to blend in but I can’t help but feel paranoid like I have a big, neon sign flashing RESISTANCE FIGHTER over my head. I grab a tray and grab a piece of fruit I recognized from my time in captivity. The worker behind the counter places a piece of pastry on my tray and the next person adds a piece of meat. I grab a cup of water and turn to face the sea of people. I spot two girls sitting by themselves, laughing. Before I can talk myself out of it, I head in their direction.

“Can I sit here?” I ask them.

They both look up at me and I realize they’re my age and absolutely stunning. The girl on the right has white-blonde hair that fell onto her shoulders with voluptuous curls. “Of course,” she says.

“Are you new to the First Order?” the other one says. Her skin is the perfect shade of brown and her eyes are bright blue.

“Yeah,” I say, sitting next to her. “I’m Inara.”

“Vega,” the blonde says. “And that’s Evolet.”

“Hi…thanks for letting me crash your breakfast.”

Evolet smiles, “It’s no problem, really. Both of us know what it’s like to be new here. We wouldn’t have survived if we didn’t have each other.”

“How long have you guys been here?” I ask her.

Vega answers. “About a year, I think?”

“Oh,” I say, biting into my pastry. I can’t imagine being stuck here for a year.

“So, what brings you to the First Order?” Evolet asks me.

I hesitate, unsure of how to answer her. “I was taken,” I half-laugh. “It sounds ridiculous but…I don’t know. Kylo Ren came to my planet and…things didn’t end well. Anyway, I was brought here for some reason…I don’t…I still don’t know why, really.”

I notice Evolet and Vega making a face at each other. Neither of them replies.

“What…Why are you guys looking at each other like that?” 

Evolet puts her head down, unwilling to answer but Vega speaks up. “It sounds like Kylo brought you here to be a courtesan.”

“A what?” I ask.

“Evolet and I were given to the Supreme Leader as gifts from our planet. We don’t have an official title but most people call us Ren’s Courtesans. Our sole purpose on the ship is to…keep our Supreme Leader _happy_.”

“You mean have sex with him?” I ask, my jaw dropping slightly. “Are you serious? Why would your planet…your people do that to you?”

“They didn’t _do_ anything to us, Inara. I’m honored to be here for anything he needs,” Vega tells me. Her tone tells me I’ve clearly offended her.

I chew at my lip, trying to wrap my mind around what I had heard. “Wait…so, you’ve seen him without his mask?”

Vega looks down at her tray and Evolet answers me instead. “He’s never actually taken either of us up on our advances.”

Vega replies quickly. “Evolet!” Evolet gives Vega an apologetic look but doesn’t say anything further. “It’ll happen soon,” she continues, “if he wasn’t interested then he wouldn’t still have us here. He’s just busy fighting a war right now.”

“Why would you want to have relations with him, Vega? He’s…he’s a monster.”

Vega and Evolet both snap their heads in my direction, narrowing their eyes at me. “Watch your mouth. He is our Supreme Leader.”

“Yeah, new girl. Show some respect,” Vega tells me.

I know these girls must be brainwashed. What they’re saying makes zero sense to me. Kylo Ren is so reserved, serious and straight-up evil. What do these two girls see in him? They absolutely adore their Supreme Leader more than the average First Order worker. They have their own Kylo Ren fan club and it’s absolutely disgusting and silly.

I keep my head down and finish my food before saying goodbye to Vega and Evolet. They mumble their goodbyes before I put my tray up and head out of the canteen. I step out into the hallway completely unsure of what I’m supposed to do next.

###### Authors Note

Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think.


	6. I'm Starting to Learn This Ain't All It's Cracked up to Be

### Inara

The Annihilator is larger than anything I would have imagined. Floors layered onto one another, hallways that branched off like trees. It would take weeks to explore each one, and I don't even know how I would make it into the rooms and floors that are off-limits... including the room Kylo Ren is in now.

The room is guarded by two stormtroopers but the wall they stand against is made of glass, allowing me to see everything that is going on inside. Ren stands in front of the large room; his back is to me as he stares out the window in front of him... into space. The view is breathtaking, and I wish I could enter the room to get a better look. I wonder if Ren still finds the view amazing after being in it all these years. Enlisted First Order personnel bustle around him but he ignores them, standing still as ever. What is he thinking about?

I hear footsteps approaching me quickly and I turn my head wondering who else walked through these halls with authority that almost matched the Supreme Leaders. A tall – but not as tall as Ren – red-headed man is marching up to me with a face of disgust.

"What do you think you're doing here?" He asks me. "The bridge is off-limits to unauthorized personnel."

I shake my head, trying to come up with a good reason for being up here. "I'm sorry. I was just..."

"You were just what?" He asks snidely. I'm not sure what I did to piss this guy off but something told me he could be just as dangerous as Ren if he wanted to be and I needed to watch out.

"I'm new here," I tell him. "I got lost."

"You got lost?" He says, obviously not believing me.

Snooping around to get intel for the Resistance is going to be a lot harder with this guy on my trail. I open my mouth to apologize again but I stop when I hear the door to the bridge slide open.

"What's going on here, General Hux?"

The blood in my veins run cold and now I know I'm really done for. I might have been able to lie my way out of this with the redhead but Ren is another story. He stands an intimidatingly few inches above General Hux who doesn't back away or flinch at his presence like everyone else does. This gives me the confirmation I need that General Hux isn't someone to mess with, I just don't understand the why. Everyone I've ever met – with the exception of Leia – has been scared of Ren. What made this guy different?

"Your prisoner claims she got lost and just happened to find herself at the bridge, Supreme Leader," Hux tells him, but he doesn't stop looking at me.

I don't look at Ren as he turns his head to look at me. I can feel his stare through his mask. I wish I could see his face, his expression; I wish I could read his thoughts. My face begins to burn under both General Hux and Kylo Ren's stare.

"She was told to meet me here after she visited the canteen," Ren says simply. His lie causes my head to shoot up and look at him but he's no longer looking at me. I notice General Hux is still glaring at me and I try to hide my surprise but it's too late.

Hux's eyes leave me and he leans into Ren but doesn't try to whisper. "Do not let your distractions to be our downfall, Ren." Without another word, he heads into the large glass room.

I glance up at Ren, unsure if I should thank him or be quiet but before I can say anything he begins to walk down the hall. "This way," he calls.

I follow him but the question keeps pulling at my mind and I feel my lips begin to form the words. "Why did you lie to him?"

"From here on out you'll be referred to as SD-263," Ren tells me, ignoring my question. "Our stormtroopers are normally trained at a young age –"

After they're taken from their families, I add silently.

" – To ensure they're raised to be nothing but loyal to the First Order. Because of this, you must undergo a series of tests to prove your loyalty. Most of them won't be pleasant but –"

"I don't want to be a stormtrooper," I tell him. "I don't want to go by SD-whatever."

"You'll do as I say or you'll die," Ren turns to me, "SD-263."

I feel my jaw twitch at his threat. Of course, I have no desire to die, but I have a greater desire to not kill innocent people. I try to gather my courage as General Hux did moments before and tell myself not to cower under Ren's stare. "Supreme Leader," the word tastes like poison on my tongue, "I don't mean any disrespect. I'm thankful for everything you've done for me and the potential you see in me for the First Order. I only think I could be more useful somewhere else. I'm decent at medical care... I basically raised myself on Jakku so I kinda had to learn how to stitch myself up. Or I could even –"

"You'll train as a stormtrooper," he tells me flatly. He turns and continues his march down the hallway.

I clench my teeth but decide to drop the subject. If I have to, I'll abandon my mission before I kill innocent people for the First Order. Leia would understand. I follow after Ren attempting to sound unfazed by his decision. "Will you be training me then?"

Ren doesn't answer me right away. I chew at my lip, wondering if I'm asking too many questions. I think he's going to ignore me again when I hear his synthetic voice. "No."

Well, that's better than nothing, I guess.

Ren takes me down several hallways and down a couple of floors before we enter a room. The room is large with several different props lined against the walls. I quickly come to the understanding that this is a training room and Ren meant I'd be training to become a stormtrooper immediately.

I think the room is empty but as we walk deeper into it, I notice a burly man in the corner. He tosses his weights to the floor and stiffens his posture when he sees Ren.

"Supreme Leader," he says.

Ren walks over to the man and I follow closely behind him. "SD-263, this is Captain Avis. The stormtroopers leg you broke was in his division, so he will be training you to take that stormtroopers spot. You'll report to him from here on out, you'll do whatever he says."

Like everyone else on The Annihilator, Captain Avis is dressed in all black. His sandy hair is short and his deep green eyes pierced mine as he glares at me intimidatingly, but he's nowhere near as intimidating as Ren or even Hux for that matter. Still, even I knew Ren leaving me with this man that is clearly angry with me for breaking his troopers leg was a bad idea. I look up at Ren, searching for words that will convince him to let me train for anything else but before they come, Ren speaks again.

"Captain Avis, you'll report to me the moment I get back about your first training sessions with SD-263."

"Yes, sir," Avis says.

At the same time, I ask, "Wait. You're leaving?"

This time, Ren doesn't reply to me or even look to my direction. He turns and I watch him as he the doors open and he disappears into the hallway. It's odd. Ren is the most vile, abusive, reprehensible person I've ever met in the galaxy... but I feel a shade of comfort when I'm with him. I find myself looking at him for protection even though he's been the only person on this ship I needed protection from since I got here. Unless you count General Hux's vicious glare.

I'm knocked – quite literally – out of my thoughts by something coming down hard across my shoulder blades. I turn to see Avis, his knuckles white from holding a staff tightly in his hands.

"What the hell?" I yell.

Avis isn't phased by my outburst. "You're weak," he tells me, "and slow."

"Slow? I wasn't even paying attention!" I yell. Avis tosses me his staff and grabs another off the wall of miscellaneous weapons behind him. As soon as he turns back to me, I swing towards Avis with all my strength.

He catches the staff easily in his hand. "Ren is wasting his time with you. My division is better off short a trooper than with someone like you."

"You're complaining to the wrong person," I tell him blocking his next swing. "Or are you afraid to stand up to the person that made this decision?"

Avis hits my staff so hard it hurts my hands and disarms me. He scoffs. "You need to strengthen your muscles before you'll be any sort of use for me. We might be able to use you as a target or bait during the next battle."

I roll my eyes as he turns away from me. Avis directs me to a set of weights and continues to berate me. He doesn't hold back about how worthless I am and will be to the First Order. The abuse is nonstop, and I wonder if this is how all our training sessions will be. I wonder if Ren is aware of how contumelious his captain is and almost laugh out loud. Of course, Ren knows. I have got to stop seeking comfort in a man that killed two of my friends along with millions of others, captured me and has done nothing but abuse me since.

And given me a room to myself. And helped me when Hux was ready to throw me back in the cell.

I groan inwardly. Those two decent acts do not make him anywhere near a decent person. He doesn't care about your well-being. Stop seeking any sort of comfort or protection from him. He is nefarious.

He is a monster.

"Do three sixty-second handstands and then get out," Avis tells me.

Every inch of my body is shaking. Every time I take a step, I swear my leg is going to give out. "I can't do a handstand," I tell him.

"Use the wall if you must but you will not leave here until you've succeeded."

I sigh heavily. Why would Ren tell the stormtroopers not to harm me while I was being held in the cell but then leave me to train with this guy who clearly wants to hurt me more than anyone on this ship? What is the motive?

I walk over to the nearest wall and shake my arms, hoping to gather any remaining strength I had. The next time I speak with Leia, I have to tell her that Nazeem needs to up her workout routine. I thought it was good but it's not anything compared to the First Order's. If their fighting is anything like this workout, it's relentless. As soon as I put even the slightest bit of weight on my arms I know I'm going to fail. Still, I kick my legs up allowing them to gently rest against the wall to steady my balance. 1...2...3...4...

I close my eyes and attempt to will my arms to become stronger.

...8...9...10...

Every inch of my screams to stop.

...15...16...17...

I can feel the sweat being to accumulate and slide down my body. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope my body will go into shock soon.

...22...23...

My shirt begins to obey the laws of gravity. Instinctively, my hand shoots up to grab it but before my palm leaves the floor I'm reminded of how weak I am. There's no way one hand can hold me, even if only for a brief moment. My shirt catches on my breasts, and the cool air of the room hits my stomach summoning goosebumps.

...30...31...32...33...

I can feel Avis staring at me and I look up at him. His eyes hungrily take in my bare skin and it makes me uneasy.

...44...45...46...

I remind myself that if I stop now he'll make me start over and I'll never get out of here.

...53...54...55...

My arms buckle underneath me and I fall to the floor breathing heavily. Avis groans angrily. "You failed. Start over."

"Or maybe you were too distracted to count correctly," I say, pulling my shirt down and climbing to my feet. Every inch of my body trembles.

"Start over," he tells me again.

"No," I rebuke, walking past him before he can stop me. "I'm done for the day."

"SD-263, you do not have permission to leave. This will be reported to Kylo Ren!"

I ignore him and walk out of the training room. I half-expect him to follow me into the hall, shouting more insults but he doesn't.

It takes me several wrong turns to find my way back to my room, but eventually, I do. I want to lay down, allow my shaking limbs to rest but I head for the shower instead. The warmth of the water doesn't bring me comfort like it usually does. I sink to the ceramic floor and this time when my body trembles, it's due to silent sobs.

I hate it here. I want to go home, back to my life before my best friend died and the Resistance found me. I'm not strong enough for this. I'm weak and tired and scared. I know when Avis reports me to Ren he's going to be unhappy. He's going to deem me as a traitor to the First Order and throw me back in the cell. Or maybe he'll kill me. I'll never finish my mission or discover his secrets and without my help, the Resistance doesn't stand a chance. Ren is too strong. The First Order is too strong.

As I climb out of the shower and wrap a towel around my chest, I pledge myself to the First Order for the Resistance's sake. I have to get on Ren's good side and remain there to accomplish my mission. The happier he is with me, the easier it will be to get close to him and uncover The First Order's secrets.

I walk into the bedroom and collapse on my bed. I appreciate the fact that Ren is gone on a mission of his own and after ignoring what that might entail, I wonder when he's going to be back. I wonder how he will react to Avis's news about me walking out of my first training session. How will I explain myself without sounding as weak as Avis swears I am? My mind wanders to General Hux and his dislike of the Supreme Leader. Maybe I'm going about this mission all wrong. Maybe instead of focusing on the impenetrable Kylo Ren, I should focus on Hux. Maybe his dislike of Ren will work to my advantage. Of course, Hux dislikes me, too, for some odd reason and keeps calling me a distraction to Ren. I try to wrap my mind around what that could possibly mean as I drift off into unconsciousness.

When I wake, the room is pitch black. The clock on the wall tells me it's in the middle of the night and I groan, wondering why I slept for so long. I stand, tightening the towel around me and head to the closet to get dressed. I stop however when a prickle in the atmosphere tells me I'm not alone. Avis is in here. I reach for the light switch. Before my fingers find it, a gloved hand wraps around my wrist.

"You keep defying me," a metallic voice purrs from behind me.

Chills run up my spine and my breath catches in my throat leaving me at a loss for words. Ren spins me around so I'm facing him. I take a step backward as his hand leaves mine and I come in contact with the wall. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

I can feel the anger radiating from him. I wish I could see him, the darkness feels like it's encasing us. As the thought leaves me, I hear a click followed by the sound of something hitting the floor. I feel a gloved hand touch my face.

"What am I going to do with you?" This time his voice lacks the electronic bite and I can feel the warmth of his breath against my skin. "Hmm?"

I don't have words. The ability to speak is completely gone and the ability to breathe is well on its way to match. I feel pressure on my hip as he presses his thumb into me; gripping me. My first instinct is to push him away but I can't move. I feel trapped between the wall and his body and the darkness that envelopes everything. I wonder if the Force is contributing to anything. I open my mouth to ask but I've forgotten how to form words.

Ren's breath melts into my neck; a shuddering breath leaves my lips... This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to get closer to Ren and yet, his breath on my neck comforts me in the weirdest way.

His mouth hovers above mine. He's so close but the darkness shields his face from me. I want to reach up, caress his features and understand the big secret of what lies beneath Ren's mask. I feel him gently take my bottom lip between both of his, tugging at it before fully connecting his mouth with mine.

I allow him to taste me and furthermore, I decide to taste him. Once I do, I can't get enough of him, so when he suddenly pulls away, I feel forsaken. He doesn't leave me feeling empty for long as his lips return to my collarbone. He nips and licks, leaving a trail from my clavicle to the ends of the towel that clings desperately to my chest. He rips it away with ease, causing me to cry out in surprise. The cold air hits me, littering my body in goosebumps as I crave warmth...it comes immediately after my thought and Ren's mouth returns to my body To the top of my breast. To the top of my other breast.

His mouth lands on my nipple and a moan escapes my lips. Not being able to touch him is torturous. He flicks his tongue over my hardened nipple several times before returning to the other. I begin to ache between my thighs.

Again, as soon as the thought leaves me, Ren's mouth leaves my breast. Using his mouth, he leaves a trail of kisses down my body. My breaths get more and more uneven the closer he gets to the wet between my legs. His lips land on my mound and he grips my thigh. He leaves wet, sloppy kisses on my inner thigh as he lifts my leg, allowing my thigh to rest on his shoulder.

This isn't happening. This can't be happening. I can't allow this to happen.

He blows gently on my lips and I ignore how nice it feels, attempting to pull myself away from the wall but I'm glued. I feel his wet tongue meet the lips of my pussy, without entering, his tongue travels up my slit and then back down.

I – can't – breathe.

I feel a leathered finger gently caress my opening. Ren kisses my lips as he very teasingly allows his finger to dip into me. Another moan escapes my lips.

Ren's finger slowly leaves me before he plunges it even deeper inside. His knuckles press hard into my skin as he wiggles his finger inside me, feeling my walls. I moan again, louder this time and his finger leaves me. This time when he enters me he adds another gloved finger and presses his tongue against my throbbing clit. If the Force wasn't holding me against the wall, I would have collapsed.

He moves his fingers in and out of me while his tongue dances on my clit. I feel him nuzzle his face deeper into me as he nibbles and sucks on my swollen flesh. Sweat builds on my skin as I try to buckle my hips, craving more of his touch. I've never wanted to cum more badly in my life.

I wish he would release me from his Force hold so I can touch him, pull him into my mouth and taste his juices on my tongue. "Ren... please," I beg breathlessly.

With his free hand, Ren reaches up and cups one of my breasts. His tongue swirls around my clit and I feel the pressure begin to rise inside of me. His fingers move in and out of me rapidly... his lips squeeze around my clit sending me over the edge and I cum; pressure explodes from inside me causing me to cry out. Ren presses his fingers as deep inside me as they'll go before he pulls them out. He licks my juices from my pussy and I shiver as his tongue passes over my sensitive clit...

And I wake up.

My chest heaves violently. What the fuck?! I remove my hand from between my legs and wipe the wetness from my fingers onto the towel that still clings to my body. I can still feel dream-Ren grasping my thigh; I can feel the warmth of his breath on my neck.

"What the fuck?" I exclaim, sitting up and trying to shake his phantom hold on me. I just had a sex dream about Kylo Ren and even worse than that, I thoroughly enjoyed it and orgasmed to it.

I run through all the excuses I can think of that caused the dream: the two sex-obsessed girls at breakfast, the way Avis looked at me when my shirt raised, the loneliness I've been experiencing. My mind is just playing tricks on me, it always happens in the most unconventional ways. This is normal.

Still, my body remembers the way he felt against me, my tongue remembers the way he tasted. I close my eyes and push the thoughts from my mind...

It's just the oxytocin, I tell myself. It's just the oxytocin. 

###### Author's Note

Thank you for reading!  
Title credit:  
Carolina Liar "Coming to Terms"


	7. Just Give Up, You'll Never Be Good Enough

### Inara

I don’t trust my mind enough to allow myself to fall back asleep, but I don’t allow myself to dwell on the dream either. Taking advantage of Ren not being on the ship, so I’d only have to watch out for Hux, I decide to go on a search for any type of information I can get my hands on.

The halls are nearly empty, and I can’t decide if that’s good or bad. On the bright side, this means I have less of a chance to be seen doing something I'm not supposed to but on the other side, no people in the hallway means no conversations to eavesdrop on, though it’s not like people speak freely of First Order secrets. I want to go to the bridge, but I know there’s no way for me to access it, even if luck is on my side and Hux isn’t there. Unable to come up with another destination, I begin to walk aimlessly through the ship.

Unfortunately, no First Order secrets fall into my lap.

I stop in one of the hallways, chewing at my lip while my brain runs through any ideas to help me complete my mission. I know I need to become close friends with someone in the First Order, preferably someone with any type of intel. The two Ren-obsessed girls came to my mind first but they’re clueless about anything going on, and from the sound of it, Ren only tolerates them being on the ship for some reason. I don’t think they’ll have any information to share with me. Ren would obviously have the information I needed but there is no way he would willingly tell me anything and I don’t have the power to force him. If only I were force-sensitive -

Before I can finish the thought, a hand wraps around my upper arm, pulling me backward. “Ow! Let go of me,” I turn, swatting the hand away from me.

Avis is smirking down at me. “Steal weak,” he says before releasing me. “Where are you going?”

I back away from him. “I’m going to breakfast.”

“It’s too early. Breakfast isn’t being served yet. You’ll finish yesterday's training session instead.”

Avis is the only other person on this ship that I have the chance to get to and as a captain, he would definitely know some of the things going on behind the scenes… but I don’t want to get close enough to him for him to want to reveal them. He gives me the creeps and I don’t even want to know what he would want in return…

Avis is still staring at me, waiting for me to join him in the training room. I figure until I come up with a solid plan to get the information I need, I must do as Ren asks to remain on his good side. So, with a stifled sigh, I follow Avis into the room.

As soon as we enter, he throws a training staff at me and then grabs one for himself. “Explain to me how someone as weak as you broke one of my stormtroopers legs,” he says.

“Maybe I’m not as weak as you think,” I tell him, blocking him as he swings at me. My muscles are already screaming at me to stop. 

Avis throws a few more swings my way but I’m successfully able to block each one. “No, you’re weak but quick,” he tells me. “Still, I don’t understand why Ren thinks you’d be a good fighter. Speed only gets you so far, you need strength to –”

“I told him I didn’t want to be a stormtrooper,” I say swinging as hard as I can at Avis, but he dodges me with ease.

“My division is strong. You will only be a weak link, you’ll die in your first battle.”

I scoff, blocking another hit from him. “Are you just going to continue to berate me or are we going to train? Because Ren said –”

Avis brings his training staff down on me hard, leaving me hardly any time to block him but I do. I push his staff off mine with as much force as I can **foster** and back away from him. This doesn’t stop Avis though because again and again, he attacks me aggressively. I’m able to block him the first few times but the duel – if you can call it that – ends with me on my knees and his staff pressed against my throat.

All that training with Nazeem, and I still failed to protect myself against a First Order captain. There’s no way I’ll be able to take down Kylo Ren. Nazeem and Leia were right – I’m nowhere near ready for this mission, not in the way that matters. I sigh and push Avis’s staff away from me, climbing to my feet. No matter how much Avis disgusts me, I realize I must allow him to teach me. Not to join his division of stormtroopers and allow Ren to use me as a pawn in his war but so that I can accomplish my goal.

I don’t audibly complain to Avis as my muscles burn and sweat beads on various areas of my skin. I don’t know how long we had been dueling – and Avis winning incessantly – when Avis calls for a break. I much oblige and collapse on the mat.

“You’ve improved since last night – not necessarily at fighting but you’re not as whiney. At least your resilience is something that will give Ren hope that you’re not completely worthless.”

I ignore his backhanded compliment. “When is he supposed to come back anyway?”

Avis doesn’t reply immediately. “The Supreme Leader will come back once the mission is over.”

I roll my eyes. His non-answer is not doing anything for my subtle interrogation. I try again, “Do you know what the mission is?”

I’m greeted by a blaster to my face. “You ask too many questions. It is not your business what our Supreme Leader does. If you are to know the information, you’ll be told the information. Otherwise, you will follow the orders you are given. Do you understand?”

I swat the blaster from my face and glare at him as I stand. “Fine,” I reply. Avis hands me the gun and I look at him confused.

“We will begin blaster training since you’ve proved to not be well fit to become a stormtrooper with hand to hand combat,” Avis tells me.

I grip the blaster in my hand, letting my fingertips brush against the cool metal. It felt heavy and dangerous in my grip – why didn’t I think of using a gun to take down Kylo Ren? Why has my mind always jumped to fighting him in combat when I could shoot him and be done with it? _Because hand to hand combat is more personal,_ the little voice inside my head says.

“Can I use you as the target?” I ask Avis. He only smirks before walking to the wall on the other side. He presses a button on a panel and a door opens, revealing targets.

Avis grudgingly shows me how to use the blaster, (“I seriously can’t believe you are this arrogant!”) and then I aim for the target. I pull the trigger, but it has more kickback than I am prepared for. The blaster flies back, hitting me in the mouth and causing the laser from the blaster to miss the target and hit the ceiling.

“What the fuck?” Avis yells. He snatches the blaster away from me, “Get out of here before you kill someone.”

I touch my lip, bringing my finger back tinged with blood. “But what about my training?”

Avis walks over to the wall and grabs a ball. “You can come back later and train with this while I try to figure out what to do with you. Until then get the hell out of my training room.”

I glare at him for a moment before turning on my heel and leaving the room. I’m tempted to go back to my room and shower, but I remind myself that I’m on a mission and I need to gather some intellect, _any_ intellect for the Resistance before Ren returns.

The canteen is full when I arrive. First Order personnel chatter loudly amongst each other. The canteen always seems more friendly when Ren wasn’t here and the excess of chatter – and even small bits of laughter – makes me realize how less tense everyone is with Ren off the ship. I find myself hoping this also meant that people would be talking about things they normally wouldn’t.

I walk slowly, attempting to blend in as I count on someone to start spewing First Order classified secrets. I’m halfway walking through the room when I hear my name.

“Inara!” They call again. “Over here!”

I look up and see Evolet waving me over. Vega sits in front of her sipping out of her cup and a partially-in-uniform stormtrooper. Curious, I head over that way – maybe these two girls did know secrets after all.

“Hey, guys,” I greet, sitting down. I glance over at the stormtrooper. He’s about my age, attractive with dark hair and blue eyes. His trooper helmet sits in the seat next to him. “I’m Inara,” I greet taking the seat in front of him and beside Evolet.

“Oh, so you’re the girl that broke AV-344’s leg,” he says glancing up from his food.

Evolet looks at me surprised. “Oh my god, Inara! Seriously?”

I open my mouth to reply but I’m not sure what to say. Thankfully before I can say anything, the stormtrooper replies. “I’m sure he deserved it. He’s a dick. I’m ZB-1211.”

“Or Zee for short,” Evolet says. “But seriously, you broke a stormtroopers leg?”

“When I first got here… Ren wants me to train as a stormtrooper to take his place. I started training with Avis last night.”

“Oh my God, isn’t Captain Avis so cute?” Evolet gushes. I raise my brow at her afraid I will never understand her and Vega’s obsession with the strangest of men. Before I can reply, however, Zee replies.

“Damn. I’ve heard stories about him. He’s a real hard ass,” he says. “What was training with him like?”

I shake my head. “Impossible. He’s angry with me so maybe he’s usually not this much of an ass but…” I trail off.

“I heard you got in trouble with Hux yesterday,” Vega speaks up. 

I arch my brow, the only people that should have known about that are Ren, Hux, and myself. “How did you hear about that?” I ask her, hoping I sounded more ashamed than curious.

Vega shrugs. “Word travels fast around here.”

Yeah but _how_? “Well, whoever told you that didn’t have all their facts straight,” I tell her hoping she would reveal her gossiper. “I was actually meeting Ren at the bridge. Hux didn’t realize that when he scolded -”

“What were you doing with Kylo?” Vega asks, jealousy dripping from her words.

“Oh,” I shake my head, realizing I made a mistake mentioning Ren. “He took me to the training room to meet Avis.”

“Maybe I should break a stormtroopers leg so I can get some one-on-one time with Avis,” Evolet jokes. “Zee, let me break your leg.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Zee says before taking a bite of his food. “I don’t know why you’re so interested in him. Not only is he your superior but he’s also a dick. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea.”

“Oh, yeah?” Evolet asks. “Like who?”

“Uh, like me, for one!”

Evolet smiles at Zee and rolls her eyes. “Obviously but you’re like my brother! And even if you weren’t, stormtroopers aren’t allowed relationships.”

“Really?” I ask, glancing from Evolet to Zee.

“Really,” Zee says in a tone of sadness mixed with annoyance.

I furrow my brows. “Like ever?”

“Not as long as they’re in active duty,” Vega replies. “Stormtroopers aren’t allowed to have distractions. Ever. The smallest of distractions could cause major problems on the battlefield. Kylo could get killed and –” Vega makes a face and I realize Zee has shot her a look of disapproval. “I’m not saying I don’t understand your side of it, Zee. I’m just saying there are bigger things at stake here. I’m not allowed to have a relationship either so I understa –”

“Oh, fuck off, Vega,” Zee replies. My brows shoot up as I watch the scene unfold in front of me. “Ren doesn’t want you. The only reason you’re still on this ship is because Hux is afraid of what will happen if they reject your King’s gift by sending you back home. Ren doesn’t give a fuck what you do as long as you stay out of his way.”

“Zee!” Evolet gasps glancing from him to her best friend.

Vega’s face grows red as she stares at the trooper. “I’m here for him whenever he needs me, and he _will_ need me. Everyone has a duty on this ship to be loyal to the First Order. Maybe you don’t belong on this ship – maybe I should let Ren know we have another traitor stormtrooper in our ranks!”

“Vega!” Evolet gasps again.

Zee slams his hand on the table and my eyes dart around the room quickly to see if anyone has noticed but they are too busy with their own conversations and food. “I’m not a traitor just because I want to be allowed to have any sort of relationship, Vega! I get punished for having too close of a friendship with the people in my division!”

Vega doesn’t reply and I stare at the table in front of me, picking at my nailbeds. Silence falls thickly between the four of us. Vega pushes away her food while Evolet picks at hers and Zee takes another bite.

“So…” I start slowly, “I hear Ren is on a mission. Does he leave base often for that kind of stuff?”

Vega’s face brightens at Ren's name as I knew it would. “Here recently he’s been leaving a lot… but he always comes back.”

“Do you know where he’s gone this time?” I ask.

Vega shakes her head. “No, but he’s probably gone to recruit more people. They’re preparing an attack on the Resistance soon, so Kylo wants to make sure he’s prepared. The last huge battle the First Order had with the Resistance nearly wiped them out. But I think Kylo is feeling more confident in his forces again.”

I nod, ignoring the gut-wrenching feeling when I realize Ren could be killing innocents right now, and take in the information Vega gave me. I chew on my lip until I taste blood. Leia would want to hear about this, and I have to admit, I am excited to finally have some information to give her.

“I have to go,” I announce standing up.

“You didn’t even eat,” Evolet says.

“Yeah, I’m not hungry. I’ll see you guys later,” I say before walking away before any of them can stop me.

I almost run back to my room. I take my necklace off as soon as I enter and sit on the bed, pressing the pendant where Leia told me to.

Holden’s face pops up into view immediately and I feel guilty – he hasn’t crossed my mind much at all since I’ve arrived here.

“Inara?! I’ve been waiting to hear from you all day. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I miss you and I hate it here, but I’m fine.”

“I miss you too,” he tells me. “Please tell me you have information on the First Order so we can bring you home.”

“Is Leia there?” I ask.

Holden turns away from me and a moment later he steps out of view, allowing me to get a full view of Leia and Nazeem.

“Inara,” Leia greets. “Please tell me you have some information.”

I delve into all the information that Vega told me. I explained that Ren leaves base often, that he’s beginning to feel confident in his army and plans to attack the resistance soon, although I’m not sure when. When I’m done, they both stare at me for a moment looking disappointed.

“I know it’s not much but –”

“You don’t know when they’re planning to attack?” Nazeem asks.

“No, but –”

“And you don’t know if Ren leaves base for another reason other than recruiting?”

“No, but –”

“Do you know how many recruits he already has?”

“No, but –”

Leia sighs. “Captain Rugor.”

Nazeem looks over at her General and I can tell she wants to say more but she presses her lips together into a thin line instead.

“Leia, I’m sorry. I know it’s not the in-depth information you want but… it’s hard. Impossible, really. I’ve been here for less than a week… I’m trying to make friends, there are two girls and a stormtrooper. I’m doing what I can. I –”

Leia puts her hand up. “I understand, Inara.”

“No, I’m sorry, General but this is ridiculous,” Nazeem says before turning to me. “You know what you have to do. You must get close to Kylo Ren and kill him. Once you kill him the First Order will fall apart and we can take down anyone that remains.”

Leia snaps her head towards her Captain. “Killing my son will not be necessary, Captain. Inara can turn him back to the Light!”

“I can’t believe you are protecting him after everything he has done, Leia! He killed Han! He’s not your son anymore! He’s irredeemable!”

Leia shakes her head. “Rey almost had him. He was teetering the edge when –”

“When he killed her,” Nazeem finishes. “And this is after you nearly killed yourself trying to reach him! Now look at you, you’re irreparably damaged.”

“Bringing my son home is the only thing I need to become whole again, Nazeem,” Leia says. Her tone is unlike anything I’ve ever heard before – almost threatening. “Anyway, I don’t believe Ben killed Rey. I felt him the day of the battle. When Rey died…” she trails off.

“General,” I speak up; Leia and Nazeem both look at me like they had forgotten I was there. “If you don’t think Kylo Ren killed Rey then who do you think did?”

Leia hesitates. “I don’t know, Inara. Maybe you can figure that out, too.” And with that, the holo-projection ends. 

I sit on my bed for several minutes after the hologram ends and toss Leia’s words around. I know Leia is bias when it comes to her son, I know she wants to believe there’s still light in him, that he can still be saved and loved – that he can love in return… but I’ve seen his hatred, his violence and cruelty first hand. Nazeem is right. Ren is irredeemable and yet… Leia isn’t foolish, she believes Ren didn’t kill Rey. She said the day Rey died she felt something from him… but what did that mean? What did she feel? What did _he_ feel?

After dinner, I head to the training room, not willing to sit in silence in my quarters any longer. However, I’m tempted to turn around when I realize it’s not empty. The room is huge, and there’s room for both of us and a division of stormtroopers. Not to mention, I could definitely use the company, but Avis has beat my confidence into a bloody pulp and I don’t want to embarrass myself enough further. When I turn around to leave, though, I hear my name.

“Inara! Hey!”

I turn back around, recognizing the voice. “Hey, Zee. I didn’t recognize you without your stormtrooper armor.” Zee is wearing a pair of black pants and a blank tank top which clings to his well sculptured torso and I wonder what his workout routine is like.

He laughs at my joke. “Are you coming to train?”

“I… I was thinking about it but, I think I’ll just go back to my quarters,” I tell him.

“What? No, stay. Come on, I’ll help you,” he says.

I raise my brow and allow myself to walk deeper into the room. “Help me?”

Zee shrugs. “Yeah. You said Avis was being a dick, so maybe if you get some training on the side, he’ll back off a bit.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I ask him.

Zee pulls his brows together. “Why wouldn’t I be? We were all new here once… and I hear you were taken against your will…”

I chew on my lip unsure how to reply.

Zee holds my gaze for a moment before he speaks again. “And although I said you breaking that trooper’s leg was justified because of how much of an asshole he is –”

I shake my head. “I’m not usually that violent. I just wanted to get out of here… that was before I officially joined the First Order so…”

“Okay,” he smiles. “Still don’t want to get on your bad side, so maybe if I help you and we ever have to duel each other for some odd reason, you’ll take it easy on me.”

“I don’t think I’m going to be the one that has to take it easy between the both of us.” 

Zee starts by indulging me in my curiosities and introduces me to his workout routine. It’s strenuous but easier than Avis’s training, in that Zee doesn’t degrade me any time I fail but he’s more encouraging. At the end of the workout, I feel exhausted but not defeated. After the ‘warm-up’ as Zee called it, he grabs one of the blasters and hands it to me.

“Oh, I’m not any good with these things,” I tell him pointing to my lip.

“Yeah, these things have a kick on them. I’m not surprised Avis didn’t tell you,” he tells me.

“How long have you been a stormtrooper?” I ask him.

“Ren came to my planet a few months after the Battle of Exegol,” Zee tells me. “I didn’t hesitate to join him.”

“Now you regret it?” I ask.

He cuts his eyes at me. “No.” Zee walks over to the wall and presses a button on the panel that reveals the targets.

“Sorry, I just meant… you said you want to be allowed to have friendships, relationships. I thought that meant regret.”

“I don’t regret my decision,” he tells me. “Ren threatened to destroy the planet if he didn’t recruit enough people. I have family on that planet… a little sister, a mom, a dad.”

“Oh,” I say. Sometimes I forget people have families. “I guess you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

Zee shakes his head. “No, the decision was easy. I’d do anything to protect my loved ones.”

I aim for the target, this time preparing for the kickback of the blaster. I hesitate for a few moments and then pull the trigger, hitting the target but nowhere near where I was aiming. “Well, at least I didn’t hit myself in the mouth that time,” I joke.

Zee laughs. “See, improvement. So, what about you?”

“What about me?” I ask aiming again.

“You were taken against your will and not even a full week later you’ve joined the First Order. What gives?” Zee asks me.

I pretend to be focusing on my target in front of me while my mind goes into overdrive. I know I’m dancing on a fine line with this stormtrooper and though something tells me I can trust him, I push the thought deep down.

“I’d do anything to protect my loved ones, too,” I tell him, I fire the blaster and this time, miraculously, I hit my target.

###### Author's Note

Thank you so much for reading!!

Title Credit: Of Mice & Men "The Depths"


End file.
